Karaoke Night
by Kavindra Miette
Summary: What happens when all of our favorite characters from Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter learn The Prancing Pony now has a karaoke machine? Chaos, insanity, and terrible attempts at music, of course. Rated PG for the drinking of mass amounts of butterbeer
1. Karaoke for all!

Hi! This is (yours truly) Kavindra Miette speaking, introducing you to the wonderful story that is Karaoke Night. This is a bit of a joint venture, as the first chapter was collaboration between my cousin Fuzz King and myself. The rest of it is completely mine, though, because he's off writing his own stuff and didn't feel like continuing it. He says he'll come back if the reviews are good, though *sigh*. That's just so typical. Anyway, I hope you thoroughly enjoy the story, and please remember to review it once you're finished. And now, it is time for.  
  
KARAOKE NIGHT!!!  
  
Chapter One Written by Fuzz King  
  
Although about 7 years younger than the limit, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and a slightly reluctant Draco Malfoy followed the large and lumbering figure of Rubeus Hagrid into the Prancing Pony. Tonight, a large neon sign in front read "Drinks and Karaoke, all for four Sickles and twenty Knuts. Entry if you're a wizard."  
  
Hagrid had said that as a birthday present for Harry, and at the request at Dumbledore, he would bring them out for a night of fun. Since Draco's father could do anything, he gave Dumbledore a bribe..er... extra cash for repairs to umm... things. Draco had begged his father for this because the sight of Harry Potter singing was "Blackmail for Life." So they headed in and took a seat at the table in the corner (for reference, Strider sat here during that scene in the book and movie.)  
  
"Hagrid, are you sure we are allowed to be in here?"  
  
"Sure!"  
  
"Well?" he asked, "Then how do you know?"  
  
"Cuz yer a wizard Harry."  
  
"Hermione rolled her eyes and said, "Why do you keep saying that? He already knows. Besides, how can you be sure?"  
  
"Well, when I told Harry he was a wizard, it meant that the sign out front said "if yer a wizard" Harry's a wizard, right?"  
  
"Well he claims to be, anyway, he isn't very good," sniggered Malfoy, who up to this time had been silent, but he was getting bored, so he decided to say something.  
  
"I'll show you good by shoving it up your a-" said Ron, but Hermione, not wanting a fight to break out this early, came between them.  
  
"Shut up you two, or we might get kicked out!" she hissed under her breath, to not attract anymore attention than they already had.  
  
"We won't get kicked out," replied Harry.  
  
"How do you know?" she asked.  
  
"Cuz he's a wiz-" began Hagrid, but Ron, who was also irritated by this stopped him with a good bang on the foot.  
  
"I saw it on the telly!" he said. (I'm quite sure telly means TV in England, at least, it does in Matilda!)  
  
"What's a telly?" asked Ron, because he knew he, Hagrid, and Malfoy didn't know.  
  
"A telly is a well..it's a muggle thing. You wouldn't understand anyway," tried Harry, but he knew he couldn't explain it. So he lay back in his chair, slightly slumped, and tried to think of what to get. When the waiter came over, he seemed a lot like Hagrid's size, at least to Harry.  
  
"What will you be takin'?" he asked.  
  
Hagrid barely looked at the menu before saying, "Butterbeer. Five pints if you don't mind." The man looked curiously at the four teens before him and asked," Hobbits?" They shook their heads silently in a "yes" and he went off, muttering about how small people always seemed to tag along big men. "Just look at those four youngens' who followed around Strider." And with that he disappeared into the kitchen.  
  
"Is it going to be alcoholic?" asked Hermione.  
  
"Who cares?" he responded, and they fell into silence wondering why a 60-year-old man was giving them alcoholic drinks. All of a sudden, the doors flew open and in walked an aged man followed by what seemed like midgets, then two platinum blonde females, then one platinum blonde male, then two men with hair brown but long like Malfoy's, then a well, red- bearded thingie, and last a very attractive women with brown hair in a very revealing blue dress. If you've ever seen LOTR then you can guess who walked in: Gandalf, the hobbits, Galadriel and Eowyn, Legolas, Aragorn and Boromir, Gimli, and finally Arwen. 


	2. The Fellowships' performance

Chapter 2 -Written by Kavindra Miette  
  
"See, I told you that they put in a karaoke machine," said Legolas, pointing towards a newly-installed stage. "And we don't even have the technology yet. Very impressive."  
  
"What's a karaoke machine?" said Pippin, since he was the stupid one.  
  
Legolas, ready to show off what he knew about karaoke, snapped his fingers. A mob of adoring girls came up behind him and set up a projection screen, a projector, and a kissing booth.  
  
"Girls," said Legolas, "What in the world is the kissing booth for?"  
  
"We LOVE you, Leggie!"  
  
Legolas rolled his eyes. Women fainted.  
  
"Go away. (the legions of fans sulked off) Now, Pippin, a karaoke machine is a machine that plays CDs. But these are no ordinary CDs. They don't have vocal track on them, so you can sing along. (The screen behind him flashed different slides every few seconds. He was reading off of them) Originally invented in Japan, karaoke is a proven stress reliever and is a good way to show off whatever smidgeon of talent you have."  
  
He cleared his throat importantly.  
  
"I, of course, am naturally gifted, so I excel at karaoke. But that's not important, now is it?"  
  
Frodo, who was standing near the back of the group, narrowed his eyes. He would show him. That stupid elf. He was so wonderful just because he had two more female fans. Two. Oh wow.  
  
"Where's Japan?" asked Pippin, who hadn't understood a single word Legolas had said.  
  
"I don't know. It was on the screen, so I read it." Legolas shrugged. "As far as I know, it might be some type of exotic bird or a line of specialty tights. Or if it was a place, maybe it's a spa."  
  
"Allow me," said Frodo, pushing Legolas aside (although it didn't really do anything, as Frodo was much shorter). His own group of fans flocked up behind him. "Japan is a country. It is located in the Pacific Ocean in the northern hemisphere. Its capital is Tokyo. There, Pippin, now you know."  
  
"But how do you know?" said Pippin darkly, because, as we all know, he's a bit dim.  
  
"I.err...read it somewhere.I think." said Frodo, obviously clueless.  
  
"Yes, you read it somewhere," said Legolas loudly. "Like I really believe that."  
  
"You should believe that I have much more brains than you, elf boy."  
  
The fans gasped. Legolas glared at Frodo.  
  
"What did you call me?"  
  
"Oh, nothing. I was just mentioning how you're not a natural blonde.  
You use,"  
Frodo made his voice go all high and girly "Beach Babe #72 to get that  
luscious long-lasting color!"  
  
Legolas's groupies started to cry. Legolas himself was fuming.  
  
"So you want to throw insults, eh, shorty?"  
  
There was a collective "oooh" from both sides.  
  
"All right. You wear contacts. Your eyes aren't that lovely blue you'd like us to believe they are. They're." he glanced around slyly, "Plaid."  
  
Frodo's fans screamed in horror. Frodo retaliated.  
  
"Well you don't even know how to use a bow and arrows, so there!"  
  
"Those aren't real feet!"  
  
"Those aren't real ears!"  
  
And so this went on, until all the fans had passed out from too much unsightly information, and Gandalf was able to get through and separate the two. Frodo was brandishing Sting and Legolas had called upon his stuntman to loose arrows.  
  
"Enough, both of you!" he barked. "Fools of an elf and hobbit! You've forgotten why we've come here in the first place! If you want to fight, do it in song!."  
  
Suddenly the stage was bathed in a bright, ethereal light. Boromir, who had come back from the dead for this special karaoke occasion, thought,  
  
"Why does this look so familiar?"  
  
A choir, which was really the bartender and waiters, started to sing, for that full heavenly effect. Merry, however, was unimpressed.  
  
"Isn't there any food in this place?" he said.  
  
That caught Pippin's interest.  
  
"Food? Where? I haven't had second breakfast yet."  
  
"Uh, Pippin, it's past breakfast time. It's past supper."  
  
"Well then, what about second supper?"  
  
"Rather a bright idea, that. But let's start with a drink, shall we?"  
  
"But what should we get?"  
  
"Let's ask someone."  
  
The two hobbits strolled over to a table. The very table that housed a host of half-way drunken Harry Potter characters.  
  
"'Scuse me," said Merry, "But we can see that you have quite a few mugs at your table. Must be very tasty, if you've consumed all of that. What exactly did you get?"  
  
Malfoy sniggered.  
  
"Where's the beef?" he said in a slurred voice.  
  
"I don't know," said Pippin. "I think I ate it, actually."  
  
Hermione, who was the smartest person there and a little less drunk than the rest, snapped,  
  
"Butterbeer."  
  
She then grabbed a mug and smashed Malfoy over the head with it.  
  
"And there is no beef. There's only pork!"  
  
"Oh," said Pippin "Well, I like pork, too."  
  
"Butterbeer?" asked Merry "Don't you mean Butterbur?"  
  
"Butter comes from parrots!" squawked Harry.  
  
"No, no. Butterbur. Not butterbeer. And not parrots."  
  
"Yes, butterbeer," said Ron "Butterbeer is yellow, like Malfoy's underwear!"  
  
"But you don't understand," said Merry, who was losing his patience. "There's no such thing as butterbeer. There's only Mr. Butterbur, the inn keeper."  
  
"Nuh uh," said Hermione. "You can't drink people. And we drank butterbeer, so butterbeer!"  
  
"Butterbur!" Said Merry, who was ready to walk away. Pippin, however, was still trying to see if there was any pork lying around.  
  
"Butterbeer!" said the drunken ones.  
  
"Butterbur!"  
  
"Butterbeer!"  
  
"Butterbur!"  
  
'Butterbeer!  
  
"BUTTERBUR!!!!" screeched Merry at the top of his lungs. Hearing his name, Mr. Butterbur popped up beside him.  
  
"'Ello thar!" he said cheerfully "Wot can I be getting' you taday?"  
  
Pippin was about to ask about pork when suddenly the lights dimmed. A single spotlight was focused on the stage. Into this walked Professor Severus Snape. As usual, he didn't look at all happy.  
  
"I'm only doing this because I get paid," he snarled at the now quiet audience. "And because they couldn't find anyone else. But our first who-I- am-sure-will-be-absolutely-horrific guests are the members of the Fellowship of the Ring and several other people they brought along to torture us with. Enjoy the show."  
  
With that he walked off of the stage.  
  
Merry turned to Pippin.  
  
"Blimey! They started without us! What should we do?"  
  
Pippin plopped down at a vacant table.  
  
"I say we watch them instead of joining them. It'll be funnier this way."  
Merry sat down beside him.  
  
"Agreed. I never much liked singing. You know, Pip, I think you might be getting smarter."  
  
Pippin hadn't been paying attention.  
  
"Oh, what?" he said, "Since there wasn't any pork that I could find, I decided to look for beef, although I think I might have eaten it. But what were you saying?"  
  
Merry shook his head.  
  
"Never mind."  
  
The Fellowship made their way up to the stage. Gandalf walked up to the microphone while the rest of them arranged behind him.  
  
"Are you ready yet?" growled Snape from the karaoke machine. He was ready to press the 'play' button.  
  
"Yes, we are ready." Said Gandalf.  
  
"So am I!" said Gimli.  
  
And so the music started. It was the "Maybe We'll Meet at a Bar" song by Janet Jackson (as the author doesn't know the title(). Surprisingly, Gandalf knew all the words.  
  
"Maybe we'll meet at a bar; he'll drive a funky car."  
  
His voice was low and gravely, and he sounded very odd singing a song with lyrics and a melody designed for a woman. Nevertheless.  
  
"Maybe we'll meet at a club, and fall so deeply in love."  
  
While Gandalf was barking out words, the rest of the group was doing background dancing, with someone shouting "Go Fellowship!" over and over. Seeing it was time for her to do so, Arwen began screeching, "Wo oooo ooooooooo oooo!" in time to the music.  
  
"He'll tell me I'm the one, and we'll have so much fun! I'll be the girl of his dreams. Maybe!"  
  
It was now time for the instrumental interlude. The sound of an electric guitar blared over the speakers. Seizing the opportunity, Legolas jumped down into the center of the stage and began to enthusiastically play air guitar. Screams of doting fans raised the noise to an almost unbearable level.  
  
Not wanting to be outdone, Frodo joined Legolas, but instead playing the air trombone and occasionally slipping that one chicken dance move from the first movie. People now had to wear earmuffs to protect their hearing. Gandalf was obviously very annoyed at them interrupting his song, so he started to sing again.  
  
"Maybe we'll meet at a bar. He'll drive a funky car."  
Arwen heard him and was angry that he was stealing the spotlight, so she started to wail again, doing a bad imitation of Mariah Carey. Aragorn was swooning, while Eowyn and Galadriel glared at her with hatred. Frodo and Legolas were still at it, although now it was air violin and air washboard. Boromir, who was still trying to breakdance, was spewing rather decayed body parts everywhere. And Gimli and Sam were just standing there, without anything to do.  
  
"This is absolutely fantastic!" said Merry "They're awful!"  
  
"Yes," said Pippin in a knowing voice. "They're making themselves look almost as stupid as me!"  
  
Merry raised his eyebrows.  
  
"I don't think that's possible, Pip."  
  
Over at the Harry Potter table, everyone was rolling on the floor laughing. This was not only induced by the Fellowships' terrible attempts at music, but also by mass amounts of butterbeer. Ron sat up.  
  
"That looks fun!" he gurgled. "Oy, Harry, we should go sing.er.okakorke!"  
  
He collapsed into peals of drunken laughter. Harry joined him.  
  
"Yeah! We should. We should sing about." he giggled, "Toffee!"  
  
"Toffee!" sniggered Hermione "Toffee is sticky, and it tastes delightful!"  
  
Malfoy glared at them, but then proceeded to crack up.  
  
"Delightful toffee! Toffee toffee toffee!"  
  
Hagrid grinned at them.  
  
"Yers should go an' sing," He said. Because he drank often, Hagrid wasn't as severely drunk. Only tipsy. "You'd be better than this lot! Toffee is better than them. And so is butter.."  
  
Hagrids' encouragement was the final straw. Snickering hysterically, the four began to mindlessly waddle over to Snape.  
  
Authors' Note: Ah, those poor, dumb little characters. Well, that's it for now. I have more stuff but I've got to revise it. Sorry Chapter One was so short, but Fuzz King didn't write much. Please be kind and review. It's greatly appreciated! : )  
  
~Kavindra 


	3. The Fangirls of Gollum

Hi everyone! Thank you SO VERY MUCH for the reviews! You wouldn't believe how encouraging it was! And Les Miserables and the Goldfish jingle belong to their creators. So, now that that's said, let's get on with the story.^_^  
  
"Er, Harry?" said Hermione slowly, craning her neck, "There seems to be a bit of a roadblock..."  
  
Indeed she was right. The Fellowship had descended into a full-out brawl, and their little war was completely blocking access to the stage. Eowyn and Galadriel had pounced on Arwen, and now all three of them appeared to be fighting to the death, or at least the most amount of hair ripped out. Typically, the vile Snape was thoroughly enjoying it, and sat back, resting his feet on the karaoke machine. Frodo and Legolas had never actually stopped messing around with the air, only the instruments had transformed into things much more lethal. Legolas was trying to light his air bomb, while Frodo was about to charge, air axe held high. However, before he could do anything, Sam jumped in with an air butcher knife and tried throwing at Legolas's head. It missed, but it still had infuriated the elf. He muttered furiously as he tried to get the air fuse to catch fire.  
  
"Sam," said Frodo, turning to the other hobbit, "Why, exactly, did you do that?"  
  
Sam drew himself up proudly.  
  
"Well," he said, "I made a promise, Mister Frodo. Don't you leave him Samwise Gamgee, and I don't mean to."  
  
Eowyn, Arwen, and Galadriel all stopped fighting for a group "Awwwww!" Soon after, however, the warm, fuzzy sentimentality faded, and they went back to seeing how much hair loss they could cause the queen of Lothlorien. Arwen tore off a particularly big chunk.  
  
"Won't Gimli adore this?" she purred, holding up the golden lock of hair.  
  
Gimli turned and looked at her, a look of utter disbelief on his face,  
  
"You're...you're... related!?" he said. He had a slight twitch and he  
was sporting a maniac smile.  
  
"Yeah, what's it to ya?" Arwen asked, complete with head-boppin' motion.  
  
"Oh, Arwen," said Aragorn, completely love struck, "I love it when you talk all 'cool'! It's so chillin', yo!"  
  
Arwen did another head bop and then she and Aragorn began to glomp onto each others faces. But in the middle of this "sign of affection" Gimli launched himself onto Arwen's head. Arwen shrieked and tried to pry the dwarf off, but he had descended rather far into insanity. He was giggling, for goodness sake.  
  
"I must have your hair!" he said, pulling out a pair of scissors and setting off to give Arwen a very nasty haircut, "I'll have all the famous elven hair! Celeborn, Elrond, Arwen, Galadriel (massive sigh from Gimli), Legolas-"  
  
Legolas looked up.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Aragorn!" wailed Arwen, clawing at Gimli, "Help me!"  
  
Aragorn, however, was busy looking at a book titled "Super Cool Expressions for the Modern Dude". He did stop reading for a moment, although it was only to smile and say "I'm Estel to you, babe! Bling bling bling! Ca Ching Ca Ching!"  
  
Arwen whimpered, although Gimli wasn't paying that much attention to her anymore. His focus was on Legolas.  
  
"I've been stealing your hair one a night for the past week. Tee hee!" he said, giggling fanatically and holding up both of his pinky fingers. Legolas could not believe what he was hearing.  
  
"You LIE!" he bellowed, chucking the air bomb. Gimli hopped off of Arwens' head, avoiding the full force of the imaginary blast. Why they were even running away from it is a question that may never be answered. Arwen, who was furious at the attempt made at blowing her up, glared at her Grandmum Galadriel.  
  
"SEE WHAT YOU STARTED WITH YOUR STUPID HAIR???" she shrieked, breaking several windows in the process. It didn't matter, though. Gimli had gone off the deep end. He held the many different strands of elf hair in his hands, gently petting them.  
  
"I'll be rich..." he hissed, "I'll sell the hair to the highest bidder! Millions! Billions!" He pulled out four labeled jars and carefully started to put the hair into them. All this was done while muttering "My precious." over and over.  
  
Sam looked over at Frodo, who was in turn warily eyeing Legolas, who appeared to be searching for more destructive air weapons.  
  
"I'd say he's been around the ring too long."  
  
At the very mention of the one ring, even though it had been barely audible, a sickly figure came slithering out of the shadows, which was actually near the table in the corner. Marius from the Les Miserables musical randomly appeared and began to sing "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables", prompted by that last line.  
  
"At the table, in the corner, they could see a world re-bo-orn. And they rose, with voi-ces ringing. And I can heeeeear them now. The very words of our communion! Bec-"  
  
Snape, who had never really favored Broadway, had seized a mug and had smashed Marius over the head with it. He crumbled to the floor and therefore quit singing. Of course, that sound had been much lovelier than what the audience was being forced to endure. The sickly figure, however, popped his head over the table.  
  
"Heys! Wees likes that songs, precious!"  
  
Snape rolled his eyes and groaned in exasperation.  
  
"Oh, not you."  
  
Gollum hissed at him.  
  
"Yess, it's us, precious! Ands if yous don'ts likes it's, then BLAHHHHSSS!!!"  
  
Snape put up his umbrella as Gollum screamed at him. He tended to spray it, not say it.  
  
Ron, Harry, Hermione, and Malfoy were on the stage now, leaning on each other and apparently laughing at invisible beach balls. Snape glowered at them as he swept back to the karaoke machine. If his precious Malfoy hadn't been up there, he could have sold this to the Daily Prophet for filthy amounts of money. Rita Skeeter would have bought it from him, he was sure. He could have gotten that new juicer he had been eying. But alas, Malfoy had gotten himself drunk, and there was nothing Snape could do about it.  
  
"What song are you going to painfully bombard our ears with, Potter?" he spat.  
  
Harry grinned drunkenly.  
  
"The jingle for goldfish! They smile..er.."  
  
"Back!" cheered Ron.  
  
Snape merely raised an eyebrow and searched for it in the large collection of songs. His mind had been completely changed. Malfoy or not, he was definitely getting footage of this.  
  
The music started, and the four valiantly dived into it, but they kept skipping words and such.  
  
"Here's our jingle for goldfish!" chortled Hermione.  
  
"Flavor blasted goldfish!" shouted Malfoy.  
  
"It's not flavor blasted, you.caramel toffee of a toothbrush! It's...er..."  
  
"The wholesome snack that smiles back until you bite their bums off!"  
  
"With names like extra cheddar, and explosive pizza!"  
  
"The snack that smiles back! GOLDFISH!!!" screamed Harry.  
  
"Duh Dun Daa!" sang Ron, ending the miserable, mercifully short excuse for the jingle.  
  
There was no applause. Snape hastily put away his camera. Merry and Pippin, who had found some spare microphones in the storeroom closet, were serving as the unofficial commentators for the evening. They were both wearing fluffy pink earmuffs that had been left over from Frodo and Legolas's little show.  
  
"Well, from what we could hear, that was absolutely horrific," boomed Merry into the microphone, "I give it a one point five out of ten. What say you, Pippin?"  
  
Pippin was in the midst of removing his earmuffs.  
  
"Oh, what? Oh. Let's see."  
  
He thought for a moment. It looked like he was putting quite a lot of effort into it.  
  
"I give it a three. A nice, even number. (Merry groaned) Of course, our lot wasn't much better..."  
  
Over at the Lord of the Rings table, Gandalf stood up and bellowed  
  
"Fool of a Took!! I'd like to see you do better!"  
  
Pippin stood up as well, even though he was much less imposing than Gandalf.  
  
"And we will! C'mon, Merry!"  
  
Merry clawed at the table as Pippin tried to drag him up to the stage.  
  
"Pippin, are you MAD!?" he said, "We are NOT singing!"  
  
"And why not? We have to show that wizard what we're made of!"  
  
"No, really, Pip, we don't!" cried Merry as he lost his grip on the table. "Don't make me do this!"  
  
Pippin, however, wasn't listening, much to Merry's dismay. He was grabbing anything he came into contact with, to try and prevent the doom that awaited him. Unfortunately, his fingers wrapped around Gollum's leg.  
  
"Drats you, you stinksing little hobbiteses!" howled Gollum, "Always grabbsing onto poor us! We don'ts likes it!"  
  
Merry was suddenly hit with an idea.  
  
"Listen," he said, clutching another table, "If you replace me, I'll give you something."  
  
Gollum narrowed his eyes.  
  
"Whats, precious?"  
  
"Er, what about some nice rabbit stew? With potatoes-"  
  
"Po-tate-ohs!" yelled Sam  
  
"-and sausages and nice crispy bacon? How'd you like that?"  
  
Gollum stuck out his tongue.  
  
"We wants fish."  
  
Merry nodded. This wasn't going to be so hard.  
  
"All right. I can get fish. Fish it is, then."  
  
"And," Gollum grinned evilly, "The precious."  
  
Merry's mouth dropped. He couldn't do that. But then again, if it saved him from singing...  
  
"Oh, fine," he said, nervously glancing over at Frodo, "I'll get "the precious" for you. Just hurry up!"  
  
In no time at all Gollum had switched places with Merry, and Pippin hadn't even noticed. He was still on his way to the stage. Merry, who was ice fishing out of a small bucket, was now trying to devise a way he could get the ring. This would be very difficult.  
  
Pippin had now reached the microphone, Gollum standing innocently behind him.  
  
"Hah, Gandalf!" he said, "We're going to kick your behind to the airport so it can get on a plane and fly to the moon, where we would have originally kicked it except hobbits aren't known for their kicking ability!"  
  
The audience obviously hadn't understood any of it. Bilbo, who had just entered the pub, was the only one who applauded. It was almost as good as his "I know half of you half as well as I should like" speech. In his opinion, anyway.  
  
"All righty then!" said Pippin, "Now, Merry and I-"  
  
He got quite a shock when he turned around and saw Gollum, smiling sinisterly. As Pippin had been rendered speechless, Gollum stepped up to the microphone.  
  
"Nows, we are goings to sings a song. Wees mades it ups ourselves, didn't we precious?"  
  
He made the signature Gollum choking noise, and then proceeded to sing the "Rock and Pool" song.  
  
"Rocks and pool, is nice and cool, so juicy SWEEEEEEEETS! We haves one wish, to catch a fish-"  
  
Gollum then started to choke again. After a particularly loud cough something popped out of his mouth and into his hand.  
  
"Whoa, what's this?" said Gollum, sounding quite a lot like Frank Sinatra, "A hairball?"  
  
There was a very loud "Eeeeewwww!" from the audience.  
  
"Well," said Gollum in his newly discovered nice voice, "I always wondered where that toupee went!"  
  
The audience laughed hysterically, sounding quite a bit like those laugh tracks they have on desperate sitcoms. .  
  
"Honestly though, folks, I'm gonna sing you a little tune tonight that you've probably all heard before," he looked earnestly out at the audience, plopping the toupee on his sad, bald little head, "I'd like to give this one to you guys. Hit it, Snape!"  
  
Snape pressed the button, and then dived into his book: "Washing Your Hair for Dummies."  
  
"Somewhere," sang Gollum, snapping his fingers to the snazzy big band jazz music, "Beyond the sea. Yeah. I'm gonna find you, just a wait and seeeeee..."  
  
The audience (except of course the annoyed and jealous Fellowship) was really enjoying itself, as this was the only good act they'd seen all night. And of all people, it was Gollum who was entertaining them. Who would have thought? Suddenly, however, their bliss ended. Gollum stopped signing.  
  
"No, that's not right." he said to himself. He then addressed the audience.  
  
"Sorry folks, but I don't think singing is my true calling."  
  
There was a loud, slow motion "Nooooooooo!"  
  
"Hey! That's my line!" yelled Frodo, although no one was paying any attention to him. Gollum was talking again.  
  
"I think that I'm meant for...." He pulled a curtain out of nowhere and ducked behind it. Two seconds later he emerged, wearing all black, a beret, sunglasses, and carrying bongos. He snapped his fingers once. "Poetry."  
  
The audience, who had all suddenly become hipsters, snapped their fingers in an oh-so-deck form of applause (Deck is the hip word for cool, man) Gollum drummed on his bongos.  
  
"Ahem," he said, "I'd like to read my poem now, cats. I call it "All These Stupid Things Are Actually Really Symbolic".  
  
Bongo drums filled the air. Gollum started.  
  
"Why do we all hide under our refrigerators? Waiting for a cheese puff to strike, As the pork roast cooks in the eternal crock-pot of inevitability As we watch it simmer with closed eyes, Hoping that someday, the seashells will rain down, And hit us on the head, And wake us up to the world we know is there, It's just invisible. Like the pork roast roasting, And the wooly mammoths running free, Someday, we will all have tusks."  
  
The bongos stopped. The audience snapped their fingers wildly, but that sound was soon drowned out by the screams of hundreds of fan girls, who had just stormed into the Prancing Pony. They were very familiar fan girls, too...  
  
"Wait a second!" cried Legolas, "Those are my fans! Why aren't they devoting their entire lives to me anymore!"  
  
A fan girl heard him, and rolled her eyes.  
  
"Like, you are so like five minutes ago," she said, "Gollum is, like, the new thing."  
  
A girl next to her was twitching.  
  
"He's.....so....HOT!" she shrieked, and then fainted from lack of oxygen.  
  
"See?" said the first fan girl, "Gollum is, like, so much better than you it's, like, scary. I can't believe I, like, used to have a shrine devoted to you. That it so, like, fin."  
  
"What about me?" said Frodo nervously, coming and standing next to Legolas, "I haven't been deserted too, have I?"  
  
"Like, yeah!" piped up another fan girl, "You guys are, like, old news. And you weren't even that, like, handsome in the first place."  
  
Frodo and Legolas gasped at exactly the same time. The main fan girl rolled her eyes.  
  
"Like, unison is so outdated. Gollum is, like, so much deeper than that. He writes poetry..."  
  
She began to drool. The other fan girls began to chant.  
  
"Poetry! Poetry! Poetry!"  
  
Suddenly Gollum appeared in front of Legolas and Frodo. Apparently he had been crowd surfing. The fan girls screamed, but Gollum silenced them with a snap of his fingers. Needless to say, the elf and the hobbit were intimidated.  
  
"Well, well, well," said Gollum in a suave British accent, glancing over his deck sunglasses, "Look who doesn't have any fans? The two former Hottest Guys of Middle-Earth as voted by Gondor Girl magazine. Ha. That just makes me feel so good."  
  
Frodo and Legolas glared at him. He didn't notice.  
  
"Yes, coughing up that toupee really changed my life. I'm sane, beautiful and popular."  
  
"Why don't you go steal Aragorn's fans, Gollum?" spat Legolas, "He won the title once, you know."  
  
"When he was single," said Gollum, gesturing towards Arwen, who was evilly petting a nuclear warhead, "All his fans are determined to stay hidden, as they don't want to get blown up, and so I can't find any of them."  
  
"I'm still trying to figure out how people can actually think that you're better looking than me and the elf," said Frodo, scratching his head "I mean, for the love of the Shire, you're gray and slimy and eat raw fish."  
  
"Newsflash chaps," said Gollum matter of factly, "It's called sushi."  
  
Legolas and Frodo stared blankly at him.  
  
"It's Japanese!" said Gollum.  
  
"Oh!" shouted Legolas happily, bouncing up and down. Apparently he had forgotten his current state of rage. "I know! I know! Karaoke is Japanese, too! I win!"  
  
Frodo rolled his eyes and muttered something that sounded like "Elven idiot" Gollum merely chuckled.  
  
"Well lads," he said, "I have to be off. But before I leave, I want to give you something."  
  
A fan girl came up with two brown paper grocery bags. They had eyeholes cut into them.  
  
"You'll look so much better if you put these on. Toodaloo!"  
  
With that he and the mass of fan girls left, leaving nothing behind but the bags. Frodo and Legolas picked them up, and, without knowing exactly why, miserably put them on their heads. Legolas immediately began to bawl his eyes out.  
  
"It's not faaaaaair!" he wailed, "I'm not gorgeous anymore! WAAAAAAHH!"  
  
Frodo handed him a Kleenex. Legolas took it and blew his nose, but was disgusted to find that his bag was now rather soggy. He had forgotten to take it off. This made him cry even louder.  
  
"All we have to do is think of the positives!" said Frodo, who sounded like he was trying to convince himself as much as Legolas. "What are some of the positives of wearing a brown paper bag over your head for the rest of your life?"  
  
Legolas sniffed.  
  
"No one can see you crying."  
  
"Okay!" said Frodo, even though it wasn't very encouraging. Positives. Think of the positives. "That's good! Uh, no one can tell if you have a zit or not."  
  
"Brown's a good color on me."  
  
"Paper is better for the environment than plastic!"  
  
"Yay trees!"  
  
"You're supporting your local grocery store!"  
  
"Paper is good for flawless complexions!"  
  
"And no one can tell if you're embarrassed."  
  
Legolas, his mood enormously improved, snickered and pointed up towards the stage.  
  
"I know someone is going to be embarrassed soon," he said, "We've got singers."  
  
A/N: And we have concluded chapter 3! Who are our next singers, anyway? Will the fangirls return? Wait and see! And I am open to song suggestions, just be warned that I may not use your idea. Chances are I won't do rap songs (I don't know anything from that particular genre) or country music, but I'm always up for a parody of that atrocious fluff they call pop. And I'm well aware that there are some similarities between Gollums' poetry reading and part of another story called Mr. Middle Earth (I've forgotten the authors' name) This was completely unintentional, and in fact I had actually just written that bit when my cousin e-mailed me the link to that story, saying it was excellent. Indeed it was, but unfortunately it has since been taken off this site. I'm not sure if the author is still here, but if she is, I apologize for the parallel and did not mean to copy her story in any way. Now that that's been said, I'll end this lengthy little note, and I hope that you take the time to review this story! Thanks to all! ^_^  
  
~Kavindra 


	4. Howdy Sauron!

*squeals* More reviews! Ok, let's make this personal, shall we?  
  
To Gamegirl3: If you're laughing forever, don't forget to breathe ^_^  
  
To Monica Wagner: You're obsessed, my friendly school friend. *_* And no, you may not have this idea! Sheesh. I'll have to protect it.*puts up a giant wall around laptop*  
  
To Blah: You should read it, Darleen! : )  
  
To IloveLegolas: Yup, I'm American. And I know you guys don't speak all posh-ish all the time; I watch The Naked Chef ~___^ Heh, just kidding. Personally, I like the really rough British accent. Cockney, Cornwall, Liverpool, they're all cool. I just wish I had an accent. *sniff* Just me, in the Mid-East, all nasally and accentless. And to you and Monica, don't fear for your Leggie (even though he is astonishingly fun to make fun of. I'm not really a fan, so it's easier for me). He and Frodo are two very optimistic young fellows (as mentioned in chapter 3), and they have something planned. Something very ambitious. And I'm perfectly aware that Legolas could kick the hobbits'.er, behind any time he felt like it, but we don't want violence, unless it's air weapons. That we can have. ^_^  
  
Time to pick up where we left off, then. Let me introduce our singers.  
  
Sure enough, Arwen and Aragorn were standing on stage, each holding a microphone. Arwen seemed perfectly happy, but Aragorn looked as if he sincerely wanted to go back to his seat.  
  
"Arwen, dear," he said nervously, "Future kings of Men really aren't supposed to do this in public..."  
  
"Oh shush, darling," said Arwen, "You were up here before, weren't you?"  
  
"Yes, but that was back-up singing! It's different-"  
  
"Shhh! The song is starting!"  
  
Annoyingly cheesy 70s music came from the speakers. The audience groaned. Most of the people there hated this song. Arwen began to sing.  
  
"They say we're young and we don't know. We won't find out until we grow-oh- ohhh."  
  
Aragorn, swallowed very obviously, but he didn't want to upset Arwen. So he tried his best.  
  
"Well I don't know if all that's true 'cause you got me and baby, I've got you...."  
  
The music started to go "ooom pa pa ooom pa pa ooom pa pa..."  
  
"I've got you babe!" sang Aragorn and Arwen together.  
  
(ooom pa pa, ooom pa pa, ooom pa pa pa)  
  
"I've got you babe!"  
  
And so it went. The audience was repulsed but somehow could not stop listening to the flowery Sonny and Cher song. It had wormed its way into their brains and it would stay there for what would seem like an eternity. And so, in a way, the audience was hypnotized. Which meant no one was aware of anything but the "ooom pa pas". Which meant that no one was noticing anyone else. Which meant that this was the opportune moment for Merry to get the ring.  
  
Lucky for him, Merry had never removed his earmuffs. They were still on his head, pink and fluffy as ever, as he neared the table (with much unnecessary somersaulting) where Frodo and Legolas were sitting. They were still clad in their paper bags, so this just made Merry's job all the more easier. He rather doubted that Gollum needed the ring anymore, but maybe if he gave it to him he'd get some fan girls. That was good enough for him. Without much stealth, Merry took the ring out of Frodo's pocket and set off on his way. No sooner had he done that, however, when there was a huge, thundering rumble that shook the entire pub. Suddenly the whole place was cast into a fiery red light, and the blazing eye of Sauron appeared on the stage behind the two singers. Arwen looked like she could have murdered the Dark Lord for interrupting her song.  
  
"Fool!" he boomed, pointing this comment directly at Merry, who had dived under a table, "You have messed up the story line! You're not supposed to have the ring! He is!"  
  
Frodo looked up, though he was still a bit wired from the music.  
  
"Groovy, man," he said, a large, goofy smile plastered onto his face that no one was able to see.  
  
Sauron made a small growly sound.  
  
"Stupid mortals! Have you not read the books? Seen the movies? None of you should be here right now! You three," his eye briefly rested on Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas, "Should be at Pelannor fields. The wizard and the halfling with the thick accent should be in Gondor, the one hiding under the table should be with the Rohan army, and the other two should be in Mordor with the schizophrenic slimeball. And you," he said, focusing on Boromir, "Should be DEAD! What happened here?!?!?!"  
  
"Well," said Aragorn meekly, trying to explain the situation while fearfully noticing that the steam coming out of Arwen's ears could have roasted a chicken, "We were everywhere that we were supposed to be, but then we heard that they had just set up a karaoke machine here. Since all of us enjoy singing, we decided that we would save all the climaxes until we felt like dealing with them."  
  
Sauron snorted.  
  
"And how did you get back here so fast?"  
  
"Gwaihir and his eagles have sent up a full time airline service!" said Gandlaf happily, "And I had so many frequent flier miles that I could afford to bring everyone here for free. It was a great deal, especially since we were bumped up to business class at our third stop!"  
  
If Sauron had had eyebrows, they would have probably already disappeared into his hair. But of course he had neither of those things, so his eye merely looked a bit annoyed, if that's possible for a flaming eyeball. Arwen was inching closer to the nuclear warhead by the second.  
  
"I still have another question," said Sauron, "And I believe I asked it once but it got pushed aside. Why is he alive again?"  
  
Boromir realized that this meant him, and before anyone had the chance to stop his long and disgusting story, he had launched into it, sounding very pleased to be doing so.  
  
"Well, Mr. Darklord, sir," he said, "After the guys over there pushed me over the waterfall, I was pretty sure I was done for, since I had broken most of my bones and my organs were crushed and other such ailments that could be life threatening. So I washed up on the shore, my little dead body still in the boat (still don't know how it stayed in there), when all of a sudden, Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli come up and stick two Twinkies in my nose."  
  
"Twinkies?" said Suaron, sounding a bit revolted. "Up your....nose?"  
  
"Why yes!" said Boromir, as if this was perfectly logical, "They conduct and attract electricity. So once they had been stuffed up real far, they put me on the top of a tree during a storm. I had got struck by lightning several times before they took me down, but it wasn't working. We needed something that would trap more electricity. So Gimli, if I remember correctly, went out and bought 30 pounds of Boca burgers."  
  
"Boca burgers," repeated Sauron.  
  
"Well what were you expecting?" asked Boromir, "Those things can power cities for days, you know, and make ultra efficient fuel. They smeared that stuff all over me, so I looked like a regular Mr. Meat!"  
  
Boromir had quite a good chuckle after this, but no one else seemed to find it funny. Ignoring that little fact, he continued.  
  
"They put me up in the tree again, and soon enough my body had been infused with so much electricity that my spirit couldn't help but notice. And so I came back. Of course my hair was a bit on the puffy side, but there was karaoke, so who cared."  
  
"Erm..." said Sauron, "That's...highly....interesting...."  
  
"There's more!" Boromir replied cheerfully, "All the meat had baked on to my skin, see. And the only way to get it off was to peel it or have a bunch of animals come and eat it. So I went out into the middle of the lake and let the fishies do their job. And then there were some of those moose things, and a giant squid, but that's not important."  
  
"You're right about that-" muttered Aragorn darkly.  
  
"Of course I still had some bits and pieces of meat still sticking to some places, so luckily Legolas had some spare moist towelletes."  
  
"I collect them!" sang out Legolas, holding up about fifty little packets, 'I've got lemon and pine scent!"  
  
"And after that," continued Boromir, "We came here. There's nothing left to tell really, except-"  
  
The audience was saved from listening to another gruesome account from Boromir by Arwen, of all people. She leapt into the air, nuclear warhead in tow, and sent it crashing down into Saurons' fiery body. It disappeared, but obviously the Dark Lord knew where it was.  
  
"You ELF!" he bellowed, "Do you know what kind of indigestion that's going to give me?!?!"  
  
And with that, Sauron left the Prancing Pony in a burst of light. A few seconds later, there was a loud boom from somewhere over the mountains, but no one took that much heed of it. They were all too busy gaping and being terrified of Arwen. Elrond wondered frantically if he really should have sent her to those anger management classes Denethor had started.  
  
"Well," said Arwen, hands on her hips, "That's what he gets for interrupting me and my hubbies' song."  
  
The hubby in question was standing nervously on the edge of the stage, twitching slightly and looking around for any other nuclear warheads. Is that what she would do to him if he never did the dishes? Aragorn began to really lose it then. He, the heir of Isildur had never learned how to do the dishes. Sons of Arathorn just didn't do the dishes! Or take showers, for that matter. Aragorn was about to head back to his seat, but Arwen put her arm around him and began to sing again.  
  
"I've got you, babe!" she screeched.  
  
"Help," squeaked Aragorn.  
  
Uh oh. Looks like our favorite Dunedain is having girl trouble. I don't really think this chapter was all that great, but you can form your own opinion on it. Until next time!  
  
~Kavindra 


End file.
